My Health Journey / Inside Eating Disorders

Everyone loves to indulge in mouth watering, high carb, fat & salty foods... am I right?

I certainly did.

I have always had an incredibly large appetite & will eat everything of what is put in front of me. All my life I have had heart felt, home cooked meals made for me, (which I am so incredibly THANKFUL for, not dissing moms cooking AT ALL) meals such as Fehttuchini Alfredo, Scotcharoos, Pancakes and Bacon.. all that good good stuff. My family never really has or does eat out, or consume much of any fast food. I grew up eating WHATEVER was given to me, in the unknown of what I was actually eating, and where it was coming from. Don't get me wrong, I ate good food such as some veggies and fruits, just not the majority of the time. I have always been very thin, fortunately having a wonderful metabolism (thanks dad :)) where my body burned through everything I ate, wether it was nutritious or not. Overall my childhood leading up to High School was like many others. What can I say, kids love sweets :)

Moving on, I begin freshman year of high school and was still thin, eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Having the mindset that vegetables were gross, and eating healthy was a waste of time and effort... why not enjoy life with the good food? Lets just say I have always been food obsessed, so I was always eatin' good. I continued this mindset through Junior year of High School, believing if a brand or wrapper said it was healthy, then it was. I, like many Americans, fell into that trap. Never looking at the ingredients, and not understanding the nutrition facts and how much of a role these foods play in your body, not like many teens do anyway.

When Junior year rolled around, I noticed a bit of a change in my physique. I was no longer just thin, I was actually thicker. I had "fat" under my butt that I was not used to. I have never been so called "fat", but my eating habits were starting to take their toll. Not only on my body, but my internal & holistic health. I have always been active and apart of sports, consistently in and out of the gym year round through all of my years of High School. So with that I have always had lots of muscle, however all the food I was eating was making me appear "puffy", meaning inflamed and overshadowing the muscle with the sugar & fat filled cells, making me appear larger than I actually was. Like mentioned before, I have a substantial appetite compared to most, so I ate a lot of the unhealthy foods (aka half the pan of Fettuccine Alfredo). I began to realize I wasn't happy with my body anymore. I didn't understand how other girls were eating the same types of things and maybe worse and not gaining any weight? Here and there I went on a "diet" to be healthy, just like everyone tries to do. I always gave in and didn't stick with it.

The summer going into my senior year I decided to take action. I already loved fruits and most veggies, however still hesitant against consuming beans and "weird" health foods. I started to explore and research foods, diets, workouts etc. Every article I read had a different opinion either for or against the product/food. I started to diversify my meals and palate, starting to grasp what carbohydrates, proteins & fats do to a body and what foods posses those nutrients. I slowly but surely cut out the malnutritions dishes I was consuming, and many artificial sugars and sweeteners. I noticed a difference in my body & was ecstatic that what I was doing was RIGHT. I continued to research, trial and error foods that work best with my body. Being a model I saw these girls and how thin they were and thought to myself I wasn't that far away from the way they look and I wanted to get there. Not realizing I was already lean and thin, but still healthy & nourished.

Here is where the problem began, and many of them do. Late that summer, after I absorbed loads of information and knowledge of what benefits different foods provide you with, I decided to track my calories because I was curious to see how much I was eating compared to previous years. It went well for a couple weeks, captivating the understanding of how many calories were actually in what I was consuming, with that I made some decisions of what to eliminate and what to implement into my diet. I soon resorted to foods extremely low in calories and resisted the ones that weren't, no matter the nutritional content. I began to restrict myself, believing it would get me to my ideal body and look like the Tumblr girls.

Senior year of school began feeling satisfied with where my body was going, off and on unhappy, however for the most part excited for the new me and new year. Unfortunately eating around 1,000 calories a day, consumed with the idea of less calories = healthy. Consciously unaware that the human body can't survive off of less than 1,200 over a period of time. This became a routine, habit, and obsession. I would get up, make myself a smoothie with a banana, coco powder (which has no nutritional value), PB2, Ice, and Cashew milk. I calculated it out to be about 115 calories to start off my day, healthy right?? No. I would be hungry by the end of my first class, lasting 2 hours (because I took a class through a community college) and would often times restrict myself from eating until lunch, sometimes eating a larabar in-between breakfast and lunch. For lunch I had a salad consisting of half a chicken breast and balsamic dressing, pairing that with an apple, putting me at about 220 calories for half the day. Keep in mind this was during cross country season, so running a couple miles after school with very few, if any, calories available for my body to utilize. This left me fatigued, feeling like I was running while asleep. For dinner I would always make Zucchini noodles with some kind of protein and tomato sauce, then for my snack a bowl of granola. Often times I would end the day with about 600-700 calories, then binge eating for special occasions, then immediately feeling guilty and restricting even more the next day. I would replace my hunger with sweet zero calorie drinks to keep me from eating.

I never allowed myself to get to the point of severe anorexia, or anorexia bulimia, however I felt uncontrollably shaky and physically, mentally and emotionally unstable. My hands and feet expressed an abnormally blue hue, I was invariably tense from being insessently cold, all at fault besides myself. The end of summer approched, and into the fall and winter I felt frigid, in no desire to move due to the lack of energy I sustained and how cold I felt. My body was dying, begging for something to utilize.

I did not have near enough calories to run off of without exercise, however I ran almost everyday & was only happy with myself when I had the fewest amount of calories. It was all subconscious and one big mind game. I had no idea what I was doing to my mind, muscles, and heart. I wasn't aware of what was actually going through my head, I wasn't aware of what consequences could have come from this. I am remarkably blessed to have the supportive family I do. Eventually they caught on to what I was doing and how much weight I had lost, they sat me down and told me what could come out of this and brought me to the realization that what I thought was healthy, was one of the most detrimental and mind consuming states to put myself in.

This mindset is not something you develop overnight, nor do on purpose, and is most defiantly not an easy process to overcome. After winter break of Senior year I began my journey of overcoming my unhealthy food obsession. Not even but a month ago (so about half of a year later) did I reestablish my relationship with food, developing a different palate that now craves all plant based foods and holds myself to no limitations. Fully listening to my body.

I am utterly thankful for the support and motivation I have been shown throughout the good and the bad. I now eat a diet that ultimately agrees with my body, giving me optimum results with my energy levels, body physique and overall prosperity with life.

An abounding number of people struggle through the process of what to believe and how the body works in its entirety. Too many vulnerable women are sucked into the concept of restriction, and too many diets call for it. Restriction is never the answer, no matter how much weight is desired to be lost. Converting to a diet filled with natural, plant - based, unprocessed foods and making it a lifestyle instead of something that is forced, is the ultimate key to a holistically happy and healthy self.

Thank you for reading, please comment ideas for future posts!

Much love :)

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